Life and Its Matter

Life and All Its Matter


Some say life is sweet. Kurt Cobain said "life fucks us all". But I believe life is how you choose to live it.
How I'm living my life is a challenge. I don't know about yours but I hope everything is okay with you. There's a saying that, " Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% on how you respond to it". No matter how much I hate to believe in this cliche (because I love to blame other things on my faults), I still do believe in it because it is true.

I understand a little now why my daddy is such a miserable man. It used to be such a big wonder to me, but now I realized than unhappy childhood makes unhappy old man. My dad didn't enjoy much his younger years (now he's 84) because he was a workaholic. Right now he takes toys from my little boys, he easily gets jealous over anything or anyone my mom talks to or loves. He despised me the day I was born and he always reminds me that, because he believes that ever since I came out from my mother's vagina, all the love my foster mom had for him was given all to me. He doesn't have Alzheimer's and he's perfectly healthy for his age. That's just the way he is.

I was adopted since birth and found out about it at 8 years old. I was too young but too smart (I guess) to understand when my mommy explained it to me. She told me it was an act of love because my real mama who recently passed away couldn't afford to raise me. I didn't take drugs in highschool or fucked too many boys because my life is too miserable. But since then they have labeled me as "Misunderstood" and I stopped impressing people who will never be. I always felt different, not much in a good way.

The happiest moments in my life were not photographed. On my 18th birthday, I had a secret debut party because my mommy didn't want my foster family to know that she's spending money on me. So I spent it with my close friends who all forgot to bring a camera. I didn't have a camera then up to now.

I married a man who will always be in love with someone else, and I have accepted that wholeheartedly after 3 years of pain and misery. I married him early because I got pregnant at the age of 19. I didn't wear a white dress, I didn't marry in the church. Whenever I ask my husband about it, he just doesn't think that it's practical to remarry in the church. I guess I'll never wear that beautiful white dress, I will never walk that long aisle unless I marry someone else.  I am not  complaining, just sad on the thought about it. He cheated on me 6 times and still we are together because I choose to keep him and forgive for the last time. That's life you see. It's really how you respond.

My biological mom just passed away last week and I have never even met her in person. We started chatting July 2010 and I thought she would stay longer but she was not able to. God bless her soul. At least I am happy that I found my 2 siblings with her. They live different lives, and I live my own life. Life must go on, mustn't it?

Birth

Every story has a beginning and eventually will end.

Anyone who sees and paints a sky green and fields blue ought to be sterilized. - Adolf Hitler

This is my outlet where I can post everything I have in mind.
Where I can write and nobody judges me.
Where I can shout out what I can't in my Facebook and Twitter.
My solitude.